Category: Dating and Relationships
A discussion came up about this subject and it made me think it be an interesting topic.
When starting relationships, should they be thought of as long term, or casual?
All in the discussion thought when you are the person started thinking about each other romantically, you should be working on, or thinking of the person as a long term partner.
Some felt, that a person should have as few romantic relationships as possible, and should work on each one as if it were a set deal.
If you were having some sort of issue, you should try to deal with it as you would a married partner.
Now, as usual, I was the odd man out. I believe you should start a romantic relationship casually, and allow nature to take its course.
I feel, that thinking the person you are with as your long term person, before you get to know them well, is a bad idea.
You have expectations, and you tend to overlook things that are major to you, because you don’t want to be alone, or you feel the person will work with you on them so you can both make the relationship work.
When you learn these things aren’t changing, you feel deprived. You either cheat, or argue to fix them, and when the relationship ends you feel bitter, because it didn’t work out.
I’ve got more on this, so let the discussion began.
What do you think, and why?
as the word "start" in the topic title suggests, a relationship should begin casually. I'm not talking casual sex, necessarily, but seeing the person you're with as a longterm partner, when you're just learning about them, isn't a good idea. in fact, I feel that's where people often go wrong.
getting into a relationship cause you wanna have fun with the person, enjoy the togetherness you have with him or her, share experiences with each other, whether new or old, and allow things to happen naturally, is the way I believe things should happen.
that takes unnecessary pressure off all parties, which, in turn, allows them to focus on what is, rather than what's hoped for, or what they might possibly become.
There are many sorts of relationships, or aspects of a certain kind of relationship that people want. For instance, there are people out there who want to find someone to settle down with, and they are not wanting to date casually. However, things don't always work out as expected, and that is why I agree with the first two posters. It is understandable that a person might be at a point in their life where they don't want to casually date, because they know what they want, but jumping in to something with a serious mind set without consideration of what the other person is like, or what they might be in it for, isn't such a good idea.
I agree with what chelsea is saying and it makes a lot of sense.
I haven't had very many relationships and I think it's partly due to my not wanting to simply be in one after the other; I'm one of those people who have always wanted for myself to be in as few as possible before I meet the right one; that's just me though
I don't necessarily get into a relationship thinking straight away "I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you" cos as you guys rightly said, it puts unnecessary pressure on both parties. But it's just a hope I will have. Afterall, what are the reasons people enter into relationships anyway? For me, it's not to break up with them.
I've been with my current partner for 2.5 years and we've known each other for 20 years before we got together. We both now hope to be with each other for the rest of our lives but we both know that anything can also happen.
By the above, I'm saying that when you get to a certain time, your hopes and dreams for life-ling commitment can be understood and shared for both parties.
I mostly agree with what's already been said, but I'll add the caveat that you shouldn't be -too casual. If it's actually a relationship, then it has at least some vague terms, and the whole point is that you do want it to continue; that sort of engenders playing nice a little, being honest without just cutting the other person down and, on top of all that, not treating the whole thing like it's a fling. You don't want to be dead serious and thinking five years ahead, no, but you don't want to be too casual either.
I feel like relationships should, especially if you don't know the person that well, start out casual. Get to know them a bit before you start thinking long term, but when you start to see each other more in that light, maybe take it a bit more seriously. Not 5 years ahead seriously, but definitely more so.
Chelsea, you've summed up everything I was planning to say when I read this board topic. I will say that relationships should always be taken at least a little seriously (otherwise what's the point?) but looking too far ahead puts a lot of pressure on both parties. See where it goes; if it's meant to work out, it will.
Personally, I'm not seeking anything long term for the moment, so I only get involved in casual relationships.
When you pass the dating phase and decide to become attached to a person/people, you should just continue to get to know your partner and see how far things go and how long they can go on for. It's good at some point to have some kind of discussion or reach an understanding about what each party expects out of the relationship. But starting out looking at relationships as a definite long term deal puts undo stress on the couple and eventually, it comes out, and you end up appearing creepy as hell. I have interacted with guys who told me they loved me before we even considered ourselves an item. And I ceased communication immediately. I was once in a relationship for four months and a guy told me he hoped we would marry each other and that I would have his children someday. What? Wow! We have nothing in common; we're not compatible at all. See ya!
Wayne, because I was present during the discussion from which this board topic stems, I have to say, you misunderstood me.
I completely think it's creepy to treat your partner as a long term one from the start.
I've been in a situation where a guy was so dead-set on getting married, he tried to insist I call him "my husband" after a few months of dating. We were both eighteen years old. Creepy? I think so. That sort of thing just screams, no, not right for me, you're so not right for me.
I agree that things should be treated with steady casualness at first, getting to know each other is very important, and you won't date your prince charming or princess in waiting at the drop of a hat. But there's nothing wrong, as Rachael and other said, in hoping. It's ok to think, once in a while, ok, this person has the qualities I like, I see myself with them long term. Why not? Unless you're not looking for that sort of thing. in that case, that changes the scope of the relationship all together.
See, I think it depends on the person and what they seem to have through a relationship. If someone is hoping for a long term relationship, then naturally, they'll cast a spotlight on their new significant other once in a while to see if the picture seems right.
But hoping is not the same as acting on these hopes. You can hear wedding bells six months into your relationship, without actually planning this wedding with your partner until, say, three years later.
What you were saying, wayne, or at least the way I understood it, is that everything should be treated very casually at first. I think there aught to be a little seriousness involved, just a touch, if the relationship is meant to be long term.
No one is glued to someone else forever though. Not necessarily. so the mentality of marry me after three months of dating is indeed creepy, trapping, and totally unnecessary. So I guess we all agree on that.
Right on, Bernadetta. You basically said what I was trying, and probably failing, to say.
I don't believe casual is necessarily a bad thing. You can date someone casually and still show that you care about them and hope for the same in return, and even more importantly hope that the person is just being themselves. After all it sucks if after a while there is something major you find out about the person you don't like, but there are those who are good at hiding things that they know would drive people away, and then they reveal it in hopes that the person will set it aside and deal with it.
I've sort of strayed off topic so let me bring it back. I think what's most important is that both people know what the other wants out of the relationship from the start. As I mentioned before, everyone is looking for a different cup of tea. There are those who want to date very short term, say just for a weekend. There are those who look for an open relationship, where they have one partner that they stick with and they feel obligated to go out and have fun, and even have sex with other people freely without conflicting with that other partner. And, there are those who want someone to settle down with. As long as you know what you want and bring it to the table from the start, you can't go wrong at least in that sense.
to those who feel that Wayne was implying that, by starting off casually, there's no seriousness involved whatsoever, you clearly misunderstood him.
I'm certain he isn't saying one shouldn't care about the person when they're first starting out, but rather, that people shouldn't place unnecessary pressures on each other.
you can be serious about what you're doing, without seriously thinking about what potential future you might have with a partner, from the start. that's what Wayne was trying to get across, as I see it.
Also Bernadetta, you told me something about women wanting security, and I've experienced that exact thing.
It seems as if soon as intimacy is involved they want to know you are working to a match situation, or that security you spoke about.
It is difficult for me to think seriously at all, when I don't know the person.
I have a friend that has a 6 month rule. He believes, and I have noticed it seems to work, that a person can only pretend for about 6 months, then after that time they get relaxed and start to allow the real person show.
All I can give them is as Ryan says a sense of what I might be looking for, but that sometimes doesn't work for you either, because the person you are with might please you. At that point you have to talk to them about the changes.
As Chelsea says, I'm not avocating you just toss it on the bricks, but I also think as the people here seem to agree, hoping to soon is just to much.
It happens however.
Oh, and I forgot.
Bernadetta, you weren't the only one in that conversation, so my ideas weren't only due to what you said. Sorry if you thought so.
All right, lets see. I agree with most of what's beenough said here, and Bernadetta I was in a similar situation to yours where I was only talking to this guy just casual and he saw me as his future wife, I mean come on people! I believe that when you hope too soon you set your expectations on the other person much higher than fulfiled. Friends are casual, aren't they? So when we're talking about a romantic relationship there should be a touch of seriousnes, not too much, tough_
*though*